get it out of my mind!! :(

I am scared. Things maybe falling into place for others but I feel that the confusion has just started with me.
Maybe this year will be another defining one for Alanna.
Ya kno, like freshmen yr. Crap that might mean me getting into some trouble.
But maybe this will be a defining year for everyone and not just me. Maybe they will all come to their senses and stop being lame.
I have no clue.
I just know that right now, i feel sooooo out of the loop and lost and misled. and I dont even care if I am over reacting because its how I feel, and if my feelings are wrong then I will apologize. I will apologize for the way that I have and will treat people.
Maybe two weeks away wont change all that much and I can catch up real fast. Like guard work. Dang! But i am sure that they will think I have changed. Maybe I have, maybe I havent. I dont think I know for sure. If I have its probably not for the better.
I feel bitter. But i have nothing to be bitter about.
He wasnt really mine,claiming him as mine only made it real in my head. Him liking me was his way to people please and flirt,so it meant nothing. For not liking that about himself,he sure does it alot!! And that almost kiss was crap,"It would have felt right..." Yeah until it was time to go off to college or to church camp and forget all about me!
And when it comes down to it,,I truly think that he is the reason that I feel this constant distance between everyone. not totally. I know why I feel the distance between her. And ironically,its the girl that he was all flirty with.
I dont wanna hate him. I want to be his friend.
side note: I dislike the fair, it makes me want a boy to go ride rides with. :/
I say this and hope that it will happen. But i am gonna stop chasing guys.
Jessi,my guard instructor, said that,"if a guy likes you,he shouldnt have to tell you,his actions will." So, I am going to let a guys actions tell me that he likes me,and i am not going to over analyze everything to make it seem like he does..Cuz he probably doesnt and wont.

I feel that Brooke is the only one that will read this,maybe Jennifer. So,i am sorry for sounding lame and all over the place. I just needed to get this off of my mind. so yeah...thanks for reading this. and if you dont then its alright. <3